Coping with Miscarriage as a Muslim
a muslim woman's perspective
Experiencing miscarriage as a Muslim woman requires a blend of faith, social support, and practical care, a journey we explore together in this blog post.
My Miscarriage Story in Brief:
September 27, 2024 I was 9 weeks pregnant and as usual went to my follow up obstetrics appointment. Before my doctor placed the doppler on my stomach to check on the baby, we had a discussion about the wonderful planning of Allah and right before she proceeded, I said “Allah is the best of planners” with a big smile on my face. Little did I know what was coming. However, as my muslim doctor said, it is as if Allah had tested us through the very words we uttered before the examination. The baby was measuring its appropriate gestational age, however, when my doctor went to check the heartbeat, no heartbeat was detected. I remember my doctor’s face and her initial lack of words. I began to cry because instinctually I knew something was wrong and all I could do in that scary moment was remember Allah. The next couple of weeks consisted of intentional processing, healing, and change. Life experiences change you permanently and that does not have to be a bad thing.
Embracing Divine Goodness: Trusting Allah Through Your Miscarriage
As believers, we understand that all good comes from Allah and that every test contains good. Our role is to place our trust in Allah, rely on His guidance, believe in His words and promises, and hold positive thoughts about Him. We turn to the Holy Quran and the teachings of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) for solace and support. Remember we are accountable for our reactions and responses to the tests we face in life. Understanding that I couldn’t prevent the loss of the baby but could manage my reaction to the test gave me a sense of empowerment and hope for a positive outcome with Allah.This mindset can be applied to various life situations, and I’ll share more on this in future posts.
The following post shares the insights and benefits I’ve gained from my miscarriage experience, along with tips for Muslim women coping with miscarriage. It’s important to remember that miscarriage can affect not only the mother but also the father and everyone else involved in the baby’s journey. Below, you’ll find a free resource on the stages of grief and effective strategies for grieving as well.
Benefits of Experiencing Miscarriage
Here are a few potential benefits that might broaden your perspective on your miscarriage:
- Loss can deepen your connection with Allah through His attributes: The experience of loss can help you experience your relationship with Allah differently. For example, you may be able to more deeply connect with the names of:
- Increased Reliance on Faith: Loss often leads us to lean more heavily on our faith and spiritual beliefs for comfort and understanding. There is no one to turn to or seek refuge in except Allah. If we were never tested, our relationship with Allah SWT would be limited and the sweetness of faith would not be as sweet.
- Affirmation of One’s Faith: It’s easy to believe in Allah’s plan when life is smooth. But true faith is tested in hardship. When we endure trials and remain standing, we experience Allah’s promise: ‘Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear.'” (Quran 2:286)
- An Opportunity to Gain Reward in This Life and the Next: Allah SWT tells us “Indeed, the patient will be given their reward without measure”; Surah Az-Zumar (39:10) and “but give glad tidings to As- Sabirun (the patient). Who, when afflicted with calamity, say: ‘Truly, to Allah we belong and truly, to Him we shall return.’ They are those on whom are the Salawat (i.e. who are blessed and will be forgiven) from their Lord, and (they are those who) receive His Mercy, and it is they who are the guided ones.” [al-Baqarah 2:155-157]. Insha’Allah we hope to be of those whom Allah considers patient.
- Expiation of Sins: Remember the Prophet (ﷺ) said, “No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that [Sahih Bukhari]. Imagine the sins expiated as a result of experiencing loss.
- Renewed Sense of Grattitude: Miscarriage is physically taxing. As I regained strength and motivation, I developed a newfound appreciation for being able to accomplish simple tasks like cooking and cleaning that we often overlook.
Healing is messy; we rise with Allah’s help, facing ups and downs. Allah sees our struggles, and we keep trying, praying, and seeking His aid.
Spiritual Tips/Advice to Cope with Miscarriage
- Supplication: In times of loss or calamity, follow the advice of Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) and make this supplication: “Verily to Allah we belong and unto Him is our return. O Allah, reward me for my affliction and compensate me with something better.” Insha’Allah, may Allah grant us all unimaginable good in this life and the next. Click here for more information on how to deal with calamity when it strikes.
- Maintain Connection and Obedience to Allah: Abandoning our connection to Allah is not an option; His help, guidance, and mercy are essential in overcoming tests. Turning away during difficulties is a significant loss. Allah instructs us to seek help through patience and prayer (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:153). Maintain your prayers and try to connect with the Quran through listening, reciting, or reading.
- Remember This Life is Jihad: As Allah says, “We will surely test you with fear, hunger, loss of wealth, and lives, but give good tidings to the patient” (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:155). This ayah reminds us that life is a test filled with difficulties, and paradise is not in this world. Recognizing the reality of our worldly life helps us understand our purpose more realistically.
- Lean into Examples of the Prophets: Reflect on the example of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), who lost two infant sons and all but one of his children during his lifetime. Instead of us asking ourselves “Why me?” consider asking “Why not me?”
Practical Tips/Advice to Cope with Miscarriage
- Allow Yourself to Feel: Allow yourself to feel all emotions without judgment or resistance. Processing feelings involves recognizing, validating, and expressing them safely. Suppressing emotions can lead to complicated grief, hindering healthy grieving. As a mental health therapist myself, I benefit from understanding the grief stages and coping strategies. For more insight into your grief journey, click on this Grief Resource to learn about the stages, effective strategies, and signs of abnormal grief.
- Try to Avoid/Minimize Compulsive Escapes: Be mindful of excessive distractions from pain, as they hinder healing. Recognize unhealthy habits like overeating or over-scrolling on social media, and redirect to healthier activities like reading the Quran or venting to someone. Accept that compulsive escapes may arise, but choose to redirect before it escalates. Avoid self-criticism; instead, be truthful and intentional. Seek help if engaging in haram actions. It’s tough but brave to seek support.
- Lean on Your Support System: Engage your support system in a comfortable way, for example starting with SMS before moving to phone calls. Avoid complete isolation, as it worsens emotional states. Opening up about experiences like miscarriage and being vulnerable can strengthen relationships and reveal shared struggles, increasing your appreciation for loved ones. I initially regretted telling my family about my pregnancy early on because it meant managing their emotions too. However, it turned out to be a sweet opportunity to receive their unique support.
- Allow Time: As my mother says, “Time heals.” Acceptance and patience are vital in your journey. Avoid comparing your healing to others and set realistic expectations while safely challenging yourself. Resisting the process leads to frustration. Be patient with yourself, as you may not perform as usual for a while, and I hope your loved ones can understand. Remember, this is only a season of your life and it will pass, insha’Allah.
- Seek Professional Support:If you need extra support, consider joining a grief group or seeing a mental health professional for guidance on your journey.
- Self-Care: Take care of yourself during your grieving journey. Work within your capacity and seek help, strength, and motivation from Allah. Also remember, self-care varies for everyone. I truly believe our bodies, minds, and souls tells us our needs if we tune in to ourselves and listen.
- Remember your Husband is affected and will need to heal as well: Men in our community and mental health are often underserved, with focus primarily on women’s experiences. Your husband also experiences loss, which is equally valid. Acknowledging his pain and journey can strengthen your relationship.
- Avoid blaming yourself- I caught myself trying to do this and I quickly disengaged with the thought because I recognized I was just trying to make sense of the pain and regain control through blame. Reality is we did nothing intentionally to cause the death of our babies. Guilt and blame are common reactions to grief, but it’s important not to get stuck in those thoughts.
- Set Boundaries: Setting boundaries is crucial for maintaining physical, social, spiritual, mental, and psychological safety. On my healing journey, I set limits on disclosure, communication, and outings. Choose what, how much, and to whom you disclose, and it’s okay not to share with anyone. Involve your partner, as they deserve to have a voice too. I had to turn down several invitations, whether it was a phone call or a social event. It’s crucial to avoid dwelling in guilt as you’re focusing on your health and recovery.
“May the loss of our babies lead to a stronger connection with Allah, ourselves, our husbands, families, and friends. Keep hope alive in the Ummah and stay strong!”
What has helped you cope with loss in the past? What aspects of this post have been meaningful to you? I’d be grateful for your thoughts. Leave a comment below.
Hania
Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal journey with us. Your strength and words will surely bring comfort and hope to those walking a similar path, reminding them that they are not alone and that there is beauty in finding peace amidst pain. May God bless you and your husband!!
edelynm2017
Thank you for your kind words and for taking the time. I hope to continue seeing you.
Siham
This was beautifully written. I pray that you and your husband are blessed with pious children that will become the coolness of your eyes and I pray that you are all reunited with your little one in the highest level of Jannah. I’m so sorry for your loss. May Allah protect you and your family from all harm. May you be successful in this world and the next.
edelynm2017
Ameen ya Rab. Waiyyakum, Ajmaeen. JazakAllah khair for taking the time.
Aissata
Salamualeikum,
Congratulations on your first block post. I find it very moving and helpful. I love that these tips are relevant to me as I grieve another aspect of my life. I pray Allah reunites you and your baby in Jannatul Firdaws.
edelynm2017
Thank you my beloved friend. If someone can derive even 1 benefit from my post, this suffices. InshaAllah.
Day
Thank you for sharing your story with us sis. I am proud of you for your vulnerability and strength. I am sure this will help many women who have experienced a loss.
edelynm2017
Thank you my sweet sister. Thank you for reading.
Umm Souleymane
Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh yaa ukhtaa. This was so moving and heartwarming at the same time because of the generosity which transpires throughout the blog. Allahumma baarik. While you’re dealing with this difficult experience, you are thinking of others throughout by sharing a very personal story and providing advice and resources for others who might need them. Love you for the Sake of Allah.
May Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’aala replace it with better for you guys, and reward you immensely with khair. Aameen.
edelynm2017
JazakAllah khair my sweet friend for your kind words. Love you for the sake of Allah as well. Ameen, ajmaeen.