How To Stop Needing Approval From Others
A Muslim's Perspective
Girl, Your Blog is Amazing!
Who doesn’t enjoy being acknowledged, seen, and complemented by others? Whether it’s your boss praising your work, a spouse admiring a dish you cooked, a parent encouraging you in pursuit of a new goal, receiving likes, comments, or shares on social media, or a teacher recognizing your hard work on a paper with many positive comments—I know I appreciated that when I was in school. However, the question arises: How can we stop ourselves from needing the approval from others and instead rely on the approval of Allah?
It is completely normal for us as humans to want to feel valued, respected, encouraged, and supported by others as part of our esteem needs; the desire to want to feel good about ourselves. This common behavior is known as seeking external validation.
Seeking validation from others becomes unhealthy when the absence of compliments, encouragement, acceptance, or support from others affects how we feel about ourselves. This can damage our choices in life, influence our identity, and hold back our personal growth.
If we depend on other people to make us feel happy about ourselves, we might face difficulties. This could lead to connecting our self-worth with their approval.
To reduce our need for approval from others, we should focus on building our self-confidence and shifting our focus to seek approval from Allah SWT instead.
I’ll walk you through my personal journey, the signs and consequences of approval seeking, and possible solutions.
Personal Experience with Approval Seeking Behavior
I have noticed this problem in my life, the most recent example being when I started this blog. Before I launched the website, I asked others if they believed my blog and writing had potential. It’s as if I was waiting for someone to give me the ok to follow my dreams and start this site.
Additionally, when I received feedback on earlier drafts that differed from the words I hoped for to satisfy my unhealthy craving for validation, I felt discouraged. I was prioritizing approval over learning and growth. Relying on others for approval is not healthy nor sustainable.
Why does this problem exist?
Research indicates that the two primary causes of approval-seeking behavior are:
Low self-esteem- When a person does not think well of themselves or their abilities. It’s when a person has a poor opinion about themselves. Getting approval from others helps them feel better about themselves.
They might feel that being their own encourager and compassionate friend isn’t “enough”, so they may need others to help them feel confident.
Childhood: A person did not get enough attention, emotional support, or validation when growing up. They may have also been bullied or abused as a child.
These experiences can make it harder for the person to feel good about themselves as an adult. A person may find themselves trying to fulfill those unmet emotional needs through their adult relationships.
Worth Mentioning:
Approval Seeking Culture: We live in a society where our self-worth and confidence are influenced by likes, comments, and followers or subscribers. These forms of support can motivate us, but we should not rely on them to feel good about ourselves and our work.
Few Symptoms of Approval Seeking Behavior:
Response to Lack of Compliments:
When we don’t get a compliment, we might feel sad. It can make us wonder if what we did was good enough or even worthwhile. We might get frustrated if no one notices our hard work.
Sometimes, we might even feel angry at the person we thought would say something nice because we feel unappreciated.
In the short term, this affects our mood. In the long run, this can hurt our relationships and lead to arguments and resentment. We may also put in less effort in our tasks and become less patient overtime.
Constantly Asking for Reassurance From Others: We find ourselves fishing for compliments or asking questions that reflect our insecurities about us being good enough or our contributions being enough.
We may also repeatedly ask for feedback or confirmation that one is liked, loved, or valued by others. Are you sure this is okay? What do you really think? Do you really actually like it?
This is not always obvious and we may be seeking reassurance from others without noticing it. While it’s natural to seek reassurance from others occasionally, the distinguishing marker is if we are asking excessively and where we feel a strong need to be assured to feel good about ourselves and our actions.
Additionally, a person might ask the same questions to different people in an attempt to “confirm” their worth or the value of their contributions. A good way to test whether we are seeking the validation of others may be to ask ourselves: If this person did not compliment our work or give us the feedback we were looking for, would that change how we feel about ourselves, our abilities, and contributions?
What this might look like in terms of Social Media:
- Constantly checking notifications for likes, comments, or shares.
- Posting content with the primary goal of receiving positive feedback.
- Feeling disappointed or anxious if a post doesn’t get enough engagement
Higher Sensitivity to Criticism:
Receiving criticism or constructive feedback can often trigger intense emotions, as it may feel like a direct assault on our identity and self-worth. This is especially true when the feedback comes from someone you respect, like a spouse, friend, teacher, or boss.
A tendency to over-personalize makes it hard to separate ourselves from the critique. As a result, we may find it challenging to respond thoughtfully and constructively, instead reacting defensively or becoming overly emotional.
Other People’s Opinions Impact the Choices You Make:
You care too much about what other people think and you put their opinion over your own. You might change what you believe or your decisions just to get their approval.
This can make you doubt yourself and stop you from making your own choices.
What are some of the consequences of constantly seeking approval?
- Increased stress
- Increased anxiety
- Worsened mental health
- Lower self-esteem
- Strained relationships
- Feeling disconnected from yourself
- Reduced autonomy
- Struggles with perfectionism
Possible Solutions: Stop Needing The Approval of Others
In a world where people do not feel they need the approval of others, they may experience more peace, confidence, and a closer connection to Allah. With Allah’s help, below are 10 strategies to support this change:
1.Awareness and Reflection: Resolving any issue starts with identifying there is a problem to begin with. Reflecting on how you might be striving for the approval of others in your life is a good start.
2. Recognizing The Impossibility of Our Goal and Letting Go: Accepting that it’s impossible to gain everyone’s acceptance and approval. Striving to please everyone will inevitably lead us to exhaustion and frustration, as it is an unattainable goal.
Instead, recognizing that the hearts of people are between the two fingers of Allah and that Allah has control over their inclinations and feelings may shift our perspective.
Understanding that Allah is the one who can cause someone to be pleased or displeased with us helps us to let go of the burden of needing the approval from others.
When we prioritize pleasing Allah, we can trust that He will guide our interactions with others and influence their hearts in the best ways for us.
3. Realistic Expectations: Recognizing that people are not perfect and will inevitably disappoint us at times is important. This understanding can help us manage our expectations and reduce the impact of such disappointments on our emotional well-being.
4. Building Self-Confidence: Start working on building your self-confidence by acknowledging your strengths and achievements. Celebrate your wins day by day, no matter how small they may seem. Compliment yourself while not forgetting to recognize it is all from Allah SWT.
5. Rely on Allah and Focus on Seeking His Approval and Pleasure: What Allah thinks of us should be above what others think of us. The acceptance and approval of Allah is the greatest form of validation and the only one we truly need.
Remember that Allah knows your intentions and efforts, and His approval is what truly matters. Prioritizing seeking his pleasure by obedience to Him and purifying your intentions for His sake.
Extra Tip: Pray silently in your heart or supplicate aloud to Allah, affirming your desire for His pleasure and acceptance: For instance, saying, “Ya Allah, you are aware of the effort I put into this, you understand the challenges I faced. Please accept this act from me, and may it please you, Ya Allah.”
6. Choose the Greatest and Eternal Reward: Seek and anticipate the reward from Allah for your actions and efforts, rather than expecting it from people, who may not always offer us that which we are seeking. The reward with Allah is like no other and it is a reward we seek in this life and the next.
7. Purify Intentions: This one is HUGE. It is important to renew our intentions CONSTANTLY. It is not always easy and we have to continuously ask Allah to help us in this process.
Why are you doing this task or pursuing this goal in the first place? If it is not to seek the pleasure of Allah, seek his reward, or fulfill your obedience to Him, then we need to renew our intentions and connect whatever action, deed, or goal we are doing back to Allah.
Even when we are looking to please someone, it should be because doing so will please Allah.
We need to constantly renew our intentions because getting sidetracked and losing focus is so easy.
Trusting Allah will reward us according to our intentions and efforts, which can bring a sense of peace and tranquility. This trust can help us keep going when we feel like giving up.
8. Cherish our Emotions: Even if others don’t share our feelings about what we did or what we are working on, we should not ignore our emotions. We need to recognize that our feelings are important and valuable. This idea connects with treating ourselves kindly and being our own friends.
9. Dua and Prayer: Turning to Allah and and sharing our hopes, desires, and fears strengthen our relationship with Him and reinforce our reliance on Him.
We should turn to Allah with every single one of our needs and worries as He is in control of all things and after our he is our Lord. We can ask Allah to help us overcome the need for external approval and to strengthen our connection with Him.
10. Gratitude for Human Interactions: While we should not rely on external validation, we can still appreciate and be grateful for the kindness, support, and positive interactions we experience with others.
These moments can be seen as blessings from Allah, rather than as the primary source of our happiness.
Feedback from our loved ones can serve as a valuable opportunity for personal growth. It can reveal aspects of ourselves that we may not have recognized and need to work on, ultimately helping us to improve and become the best version of ourselves.
Please keep in mind that change takes time, patience, and self-compassion. Creating new behavior patterns and leaving old ones take time.
By focusing on pleasing Allah and looking forward to His rewards, we can live a life filled with greater faith, purpose, and happiness.
This mindset allows us to see our relationships as blessings while understanding that true fulfillment comes from Allah’s eternal rewards.
Valuing our thoughts and feelings helps us build confidence and stay true to ourselves. Now that you know the risks of relying on others’ approval, you can recognize when you stray from exclusively seeking Allah’s pleasure and refocus.
Remember, you are just one choice away from progress. We will stumble in the process, and we just get back up and keep trying, and Allah is the Most Merciful.
What are some of the listed strategies you may consider implementing or are already implementing in your life ?
I would love to hear from you, comment below!
Day
Great post! Approval seeking is so common and it’s popular because it’s so easy to fall into this “trend”. Photo “likes” can make or break someone because their identity has been shaped by the opinion or approval of others. Besides avoiding social media, I live a life of gratitude. I’m thankful for all that I have and understand I’m living the life God chose for me.
edelynm2017
Wow, your last sentence is very powerful..nicely said. Gratitude helps us to focus on what we have and not on what we do not have.
AISSATA
Salamualeikum! This is an important issue that I’m glad you’re addressing. What I can improve is relying on Allah and seeking his pleasure first and foremost.
edelynm2017
Wa Aalaikum Salam Waramtullahi Wabarakatuhu
It is! Alhamdulilah. May Allah aid you and us in making this intention.
Your sister
Mashallah, I loved reading this post. It made me reflect on my personal experiences with seeking validations!! And how this could be hurting us in our daily lives without noticing because imagine if we just don’t expect anything from people and just rely on Allah. I can tell you just from the thought of it, it will immensely change life only to the best. May people who need to be reminded come across your blogs!! As it is wallahy a great give back to our community. Thank you my sister ❤️
edelynm2017
JazakAllah khair for the beautiful comment my dear. Ameen may it continue to be a means of benefit for all of us inshaAllah.